In a recent devotion Pastor Rick Warren said that one of the best ways to de-escalate is to ask God to give you a clear picture of yourself.
Psalm 139:23-24 MSG Investigate my life, O God, find out everything about me; Cross-examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about; See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong— then guide me on the road to eternal life.
I know that’s tough and often scary because we may not like the results of God’s investigation. Remember however that we bring a lot of our own baggage to conflict. We bring our own emotions and misconceptions to the table. So in order to have a beneficial conversation and resolve the conflict it’s our responsibility, not the other person’s responsibility, to ask God about our shortcomings. It’s our shortcomings that we need to resolve first - not those of our friend, our neighbor, our child, our spouse, or our colleague. We need to ask God to show us anything in us that is wrong first.
As God reveals to you the sin in your life, you must take responsibility for it.
Matthew 7:3-5 EASY Perhaps you want to tell your friend about his little mistake. If you want to do that, first remember your own bigger mistakes. You are like a person who has a big piece of wood in his eye. But then he says to his friend, “Let me take that little piece of dirt out of your eye for you.” Do not be like that person. You think that you are better than your friend. But you are not. First, you must take the big piece of wood out of your own eye. After that, your eyes will see clearly. Then you can take the small piece of dirt out of your friend's eye.
Your job is to admit any part of the conflict that was caused by your bias, insensitivity, immaturity, or negligence—or any other reason.
When you sincerely ask God to investigate you He will always show you the right way. He’s not going to play games with you and He always forgives even as He points out that part of the problem in the conflict is you.